I feel good, relieved and ready for whatever the day brings, or I decide to create. This is the third day in a row that feels like Sunday, only today it is. I’m okay with having three days of doing very little. I watched videos and engaged in a bit of conversation on FaceBook, both my personal page and the new Fibromyalgia and Faster EFT Group. It helps to get out of myself, my problems and do what I can to help others.
I have stepped into a state of allowing and acceptance. If blogging is what makes me happy, and I am inspired to do it, then do it without guilt for not working on the book. I am right where I am supposed to be and the book will be there when I’m ready.
I watched some of the YouTube videos on my Inspirational playlist and some videos from my subscriptions. I read other peoples blog posts. These are all things I haven’t done for most of a year. One reason I feel so alone and isolated is because I haven’t resumed some activities that help me feel connected to the whole. I don’t want to be sucked in by social media, but my avoidance and resistance may no longer serve me. Social media has its pitfalls, but it keeps us connected around the world with like-minded people.
I kept the fire burning all day, which surprised me because I didn’t think I wanted to babysit it. I let it burn down to coals and then threw on another log. It was a pleasant, slow burn. I sat in the dining room and stayed warm with time for reflection in the flames.
I told my cousin/best friend about my session and the two family belief patterns that I recognized. She sees it too. We agree the pattern of trauma gives life meaning goes back as far as Great Grandma, who buried four children and two died the same night of Scarlet Fever. The story goes that she was never the same after that. She developed mental problems. They put her in a care facility but Great Grandpa realized he could take better care of her than they did, so they brought her home. At one point she was so out of her head that she built a fire in the dining room that could have burned down the house. Bless her heart. At least I build my dining room fires in the fireplace. I only heard the story, but that and others repetitively all my life, so it’s no wonder I can fit that template over my patterns of belief.
Mother’s life certainly had traumas and she told the stories. She didn’t seem to focus on them, but she also didn’t want to release them. It was her comment I remembered that helped me recognize the pattern. We had a conversation after I began to heal with tapping and came back from Alaska in 2008. I had already tapped on her for knee pain, so she knew it worked for her too. One day we talked about my first pet, our dog Nancy. She and my brother had to take Nancy to the vet to be put down from distemper. She cried as she told the story that happened fifty years earlier. I gently suggested that we could tap away the remaining grief, but her response was that she didn’t want to because these memories give her life meaning. At that point I only saw it as her belief and didn’t think I had it, too. Now, in a deeper layer of healing, I see how I may unconsciously operate from the belief.
It may not be only a family belief; it may be perpetuated by society, too. Look at how the media capitalizes on trauma and violence. When my son was a teen-age skate boarder, he explained that scars from skating were like badges of honor and pride. Yesterday I watched a video of a Navy Seal who has overcome deep layers of trauma after 22 years in service, and afterward being drugged into oblivion by psychiatrists. Now he has created and new identity, purpose and mission from overcoming trauma. I heartily agree with his cause, but it supports the belief that trauma gives life meaning.
What if we just recover from a trauma, let it go, and quietly get on with life? What if we don’t need to create an identity from overcoming trauma? I know, I know, one could say that about me writing a book about healing from my traumas. It’s another layer of trauma on trauma. That may also be one reason why going back to the memories to heal the trauma may sometimes add another layer of trauma to be healed. Sometimes I don’t work on the book because it brings back the trauma and I have to tap on the parts and pieces that show up. Yes, I want to help others and give them the hope that if I can heal they can too. But what about those who read the book and go deeper into their identification with the trauma? I can’t control that. I don’t want the book to make people sicker, but if it does, maybe that is their trigger to go deeper so they can find a better catalyst for healing. — © Copyright B. Grace Jones 2014 All Rights Reserved.