I was in a funk again. I worked on the book for an hour and tried something different. Instead of reading old journals, I proofread the first part, but ignored the places that need inserts. I noticed and tapped on small triggers of remembering unwanted feelings of the past. I had unknowingly put pressure on myself about working on the book. I made myself do it even though I didn’t feel like it. I wanted to see if I could, but there was a sense of obligation. I told my neighbor the book feels like a chore. Right now blogging makes me happy.
I’m frustrated because in September 2012 I was highly motivated and happy to work on the book regularly. Then my aunt died and suddenly Mother needed more attention than ever until she died nine months later. Now I can’t get back to that feeling of mission, purpose, motivation and desire to write the book. Maybe I am still pushing to heal from the past year of challenges.
I decided to watch all of Eric’s series on FasterEFT Tricks of the Trade. It is a quick outline for how to do a session with his medical perspective. The information was very good and well organized. It reinforced that conditioned responses are most of what we experience.
I tried but I couldn’t get into working on my happy journal. I connected the iPad to the stereo and played music videos to feel better. Other video suggestions popped up. I watched Marina’s last post, then Jonah’s about Self Love. That one is exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Tears sprung from my eyes and I tapped. This is all stuff I know, but have not been doing. I’ve fallen into conditioned responses of depression and self-judgment. I flipped on my good internal voice that knows how to be my best friend, love me unconditionally, and tell me repeatedly in every way possible, “I love you Grace, I am here for you. I believe in you 100%. What can I do to help?” Then I choose the response as a loving best friend and act on it.
A huge piece shifted but I may be pushing myself too hard since that is another one of my conditioned responses. I wish I had one of those shifts when I exclaim happily, “I’m back!” I return to the bliss and enjoyment of self-love, spirit-connection and giving to others from my well of enthusiasm. I know that’s still in me and I will find it again.
I looked through my Happy Journal, but still couldn’t get connected. While I waited to Skype with my Japanese family, I sorted photos from the reunion with them in America last summer. That helped and was followed by Skype with them in real time. Afterward I organized all the recordings of our Skype calls last year. It was fun too see how much the kids have grown and changed. I need to set a goal to go back to Japan. Make a plan as a happy project for my mind to work on.
My back hurt when I got up from the computer. I noticed it as a conditioned response I produced for years. I tapped it away fast. I felt pain-free when I awoke and only a twinge of low back pain was there when I got up. Now at the computer it begins to come back. My conditioned response is to ignore the aches and wiggle around in my chair to get away from them. While I work I need to be more persistent to tap on just the raw physical sensations of the conditioned responses. I can also work on creating a conditioned response of self-love. — © Copyright B. Grace Jones 2014 All Rights Reserved.