What is this place where I suspend judgments and beliefs? If curiosity is more valuable than passion, at least my questions might move me forward. I stay long in this space of re-evaluating or assessing everything in my life, both internally and externally. The flat emotional plane is necessary for objectivity.
Enough of my life has been spent in mood swings. Changing beliefs taken on under the influence of others mostly motivated the swings. To simply observe without judgments or attached meaning is liberating, yet flat. I miss the emotional highs, but without the lows how would I know they were highs? So maybe flat, level, balanced is okay. It’s just new, unfamiliar, so maybe that is why it feels uncomfortable. As long as I have no fear, it is much more peaceful.
Of course it is harder to suspend judgments, beliefs, hopes, expectations when it comes to the children. I want them to evolve higher than me, and when I see them take on some of the unhealthy patterns I modeled for them, I want to say something. Maybe I will.
Wanting to depart from some of my parents’ patterns motivates that. Their intentions were good, but I wonder now what might have been. I feel like I needed more direct communication and guidance. Even if I had not agreed with them or taken their suggestions, at least I would have felt like they tried to give me more guidance. Is that why I feel like a ship bobbing upon the open seas without an anchor or harbor?
They wanted us to develop individually, but tried to treat each of us with a similar fairness. Children are not the same and need individual guidance specific to their needs. Maybe because I was last, they were too tired or busy, not only to be sure I didn’t sneak out after I came home at curfew, but also too tired to spend time mentoring me like the others. At least that is my perception based on my observation and experience.
Their children and grandchildren feel they had unconditional love and acceptance. What we didn’t realize is if it were genuine there would not have been the circular communication of discussion about each of us with the others. I was not singled out. Mother did it with all of us. In the end I got beat up when the others collectively told me things she had said behind my back. That’s a hell of a way to deal with a parent on their deathbed.
I want my children to feel unconditional love and acceptance, but part of love is giving guidance, making suggestions based on observations, and frankly, sometimes calling bullshit to their faces.
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