The days I sit with myself and the house are a balance between the days I pushed full-speed. I take it easy and slow with no pressure. I sit in a place of accepting and allowing. Balance within the day is better. I am in The Great Whatever but it feels different than in the 1990s.
The documentary I Am kept calling me, so I finally watched it. I am glad I did it alone. There was familiar information with a different slant and it triggered me to tears more than once. I tapped but then stopped because I began to question one of the FasterEFT beliefs I teach. If you are triggered, it’s in you and it’s yours. It may be true in specific instances, but I’m not sure it is always true. I wonder, and others have questioned it in the context of compassion and empathy. I Am explains how the Vegas nerve has us wired for when we see someone else suffer, we feel it. Mirror neurons may have us biologically wired for a compassionate response to the trouble of others, as if it is happening to us.
I Am illustrates a Native American belief about our modern cultural pattern of competition and individual accomplishments being more important than the good of the whole. We have been conditioned by society and it spread globally. Worldwide consumerism is one example, but the images of third-world blacks in athletic shoes may be misunderstood. There are charitable organizations that give shoes freely. I Am mentions Peace Pilgrim, so afterward I watched an interesting interview with her.
My parents did their best, based on what they learned from their models. They set up a plan of fairness so there would be no hard feelings after they died. Something else was at work in us that had been modeled for generations. What happened is we each took stuff and left the relationships behind. This was not our parents’ intention. It is what they tried to avoid. Sitting in this house with all this stuff, “Is this really what I want?” I wanted to call the Auction House in Anchorage and sell it all then, but I was hooked into the guilt tradition of family heirlooms. Again, I think of letting it all go. Will I tell my siblings to take what they want of my share? Maybe my children want it. I’m still hooked in the cycle. Our parents did their best to set up a system, but it failed miserably. It’s time to abandon their system in honor of their intention.
It was a calm Sunday afternoon near 60° and I spent two hours outside sitting on the porch or watering plants. Early evening something hit the wall next to me with a cracking thud and the wind chimes began to sing non-stop. It was like the wind-switch was flipped and instantly 30 mph winds barreled down from the north and gusted to 50 mph. Startled by the sudden, continuous roar, I looked out into the darkness for damage. The temperature dropped 30° in three hours. Monday morning it is 9° but the constant wind stopped.
I sit in limbo till my siblings come this summer to take the rest of what they want before I can really clear this house out. What will I do then? I want it to be a Home for Healing and invite people in for workshops. A family member could live in the basement and go to ESU. I invite people in for gatherings or to stay for extended visits. I need a reason for putting so much money into maintaining this big house. There’s no point doing it just for me. I thought it was ridiculous that mother lived here alone. Now I am. Think of all the money spent that can be used for the greater good of many.
I recall the principle; it’s okay to have a house as long as the house doesn’t have you. How can I apply it to my book? It feels like the book has me, I’m trapped, obligated. It’s okay to write it, have it, but not let it have me or suck me back into the story. It’s just a story that will help others, which is where I Am finally took me. I know some can hear my voice when they can’t hear others. Writing my book is for the good of all who read it or are affected by those who do. It’s a droplet on the ocean of life and it will make a difference. That is my gift of love and passion to the world. It’s time to be self-sacrificing and get on with it. — © B. Grace Jones 2014 All Rights Reserved.