Grateful for whatever few days in the house I have alone, but if it lasts too long I get into fear and worry about money. I was reminded to practice my mantra, More than I need is already here and I have enough to share. The last month helped me break past an internal barrier of not wanting someone here full time. Even with challenges of daily contact, I became comfortable sharing my living space. I let go of some of my picky issues about washing dishes and counters. If it bothers me I just clean it up without complaint. Not everyone has the same level of cleanliness standards.
A talk with a friend was helpful. It confirmed some things I recently realized. If I truly believe all humans need a belief to cling to then I need to decide on one. I need more music in my life and I need to work toward making my dreams come true. I didn’t know what my dream was until I realized it is to keep the house. Last summer the wall inside me came down and I am no longer attached to the house because of family sentiment. I have circled around to realize I simply love the house, the neighborhood and the location near ESU in Emporia. I would be hard pressed to find anything as good anywhere. However, the house dream is not my passion. I still need to find something to be passionate about.
My friend said he saw an interview with Henry Winkler who has been through some rough times. He credits his success making it through to tenacity and gratitude. I had recently come to that realization. If nothing else, I need to practice thankfulness and just keep hanging on. In five years I’ll still be in this house and I’ll look back with gratitude and say, “It was hard, it was scary, but we made it through!”
In my meditation what returned was to simply use “Whatever” (The Great Whatever). I know I believe in some higher power, though I don’t care for that term. I know I cannot define it nor do I want to use anyone else’s name for it. The Great Whatever was something that came to me personally many years ago after listening to tapes of John Claypool. It was my spinoff of his, “The Great Not Yet.” The moment I inserted “Whatever” into my meditation, a huge smile broke across my face in the dark of my blanketed cocoon. It feels very real and true for me, so now, finally I have returned to The Great Whatever as my belief to cling to.
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