After only one week of posts I don’t want to abandon the blog completely. I’ve been going through my days, but boring myself. No point in boring others. The idea is being human; let it flow without obligation. Sometimes a flow is suspended or interrupted, diverted for whatever reasons. I won’t force myself into a rut just because…
Two friends showed up yesterday. After an email thread, one suggested we get together. I was honest about the weird/depressed space I’ve been in and haven’t reached out because I don’t want to dump my darkness on others. She said she’s been in plenty of weird dark places in her life, too, and she’s okay with it. At least I don’t have to hide behind a happy mask.
A new friend is fairly easy to talk to on the phone; I don’t feel nervous energy nor edit myself much. I’m over trying to impress anyone. I’m glad I’ve grown beyond romantic fantasies. I don’t even remember what he said around the fire at Solstice, I just noticed that we have similar generational experiences and beliefs. It’s nice not to attach imaginary hidden deep meaning to it, like I did with other men. Just stay in the moment, notice what is here now, and not make up stories in my head.
This place is not that dark, it’s just weird not to cling to a specific belief anymore. I wonder if humans generally need some belief to cling to in order to feel like life has meaning or purpose. How much of that is simply imagined? Even though I am still in suspension from reading others’ books about spiritual or personal growth, I still read periodicals that arrive at my door. I felt like Helen Mirren nailed it in a way I resonate with. I was intrigued with her personal philosophy and feel like she summed up in words what I currently believe.
Q: …Is there a soul?
A: “I am not religious. So if I say yes, there is a soul, it’s nothing to do with religion or God. But, yes I would say there is a spirituality in being a human being that is connected to the imagination in some way.”
Close to what I say, Mirren made the point succinctly that spirituality may simply be in our imagination. It fits with my belief that humans need something to believe in, to cling to, in order to give meaning or purpose to their life, so we imagine it, make it up. It doesn’t really matter what a human believes in, it is simply the power of belief that makes it true for them. No one can prove it is real and no one knows until they die if it is true or not, maybe not even then. Why not simply live in the mystery of life one day, one moment, at a time? Simply be here now because that is the only thing we really know.
That is the biggest cause for this weird emotional place. It’s a process to dissect and depart from old beliefs, but not have a new one to attach to. As a human I still need and want contact with other humans, but will anyone understand this weird place? I no longer feel like a rudderless ship bobbing on the open sea, but maybe that is because I have become one with the sea, no longer separate from the whole of life on planet earth. That is an interesting imagination. The mind continues trying to answer questions, solve problems, make up stories, and attach meaning and purpose to simply being here now.
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