My Big Toe

At the turn of the New Year I read from my 2001 journals. It set me on an emotional edge that I haven’t adequately released. I have not worked on my book since. I need to get rolling, but I mainly allow myself to be wherever I am in any given moment and do whatever I want. I watch a lot of comedy, watched the snow melt, the logs burn in the fireplace and watch the wind blow. Last year was so much at rocket speed that I’m still recovering balance in between my work and renovation projects. I’m still going a bit fast. I’m so ready to be done with house projects, but there is still sorting and painting to do. That should seem easy after the flooring, but who knows what other issues it may open up. I’m sure I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I just need to tap on what bothers me.

Part of what bugs me is I’m beginning to settle into being in this house alone. My niece made it back. She will only be here two nights a week this semester. On one level I want my time alone in the house, but on another level I sometimes feel lonely and wish there was someone like-minded to share some space and time with. I’m not ready for a live-in lover yet, but more social interaction would be nice.

There is resistance to hunker down and get the book done. My first beading project was a complicated Alaska-Native-style headdress. I compare it to my first book being autobiographical. If the topic were general it might be done now. But putting myself out there publicly, my thoughts, my life experiences, relationships, my sexuality, everything stirs up a lot of stuff. That’s one reason I’m sticking my big toe in to test the water by making public blog posts to see what it feels like. Of course I need more readers and more response to the posts in order to know how it feels. One client is following my blog regularly and can relate. She is getting a lot of help from my honest sharing. It reveals my struggles and how I deal with them. It helps her know how we are alike and release her self-judgment.

Plans today feel like a push on my day off, plus I’m going to the Andy McKee concert tonight at Albert Taylor Hall. I put off getting my torn fingernails done because I wasn’t interested. I don’t care for doing it on Friday, since the nail salon is always packed. I remember what someone once said, “It’s not what you do; it’s how you do it.” Also, “Don’t take life too seriously.” Lighten up, have fun, laugh it off. — © B. Grace Jones 2014 All Rights Reserved.


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